The Undercover Granny

I love Facebook. It offers a brilliant way of keeping up with loved ones in far-flung places or even frankly to see what the woman down the road gets up to behind closed doors. But it does throw up a whole host of etiquette issues parents and grandparents haven’t had to face before…

Gone are the days when the only contact a mother had with her child’s friends involved saying ‘yes, hang on’ before passing the phone over. Now, with the explosion in social networking, mothers and their children are exposed to all sorts of startling information about each other.

Any parent who’s been the recipient of a volley of abuse after walking into their child’s room uninvited will know how important a child’s privacy is. How annoyed must today’s adolescents be? Just when they thought they’d found in Facebook a safe place to hide from their parents’ enquiring eyes, they discover they’re on there too.

Yes, teens beware – the grown-ups are taking over Facebook. Today 40% of all Facebook users are 35 or over. The fastest growing demographic on Facebook today is 40-somethings and 50-somethings and almost half of them now have an active profile.

But remember, this isn’t a standard ‘oldie’ generation. We really don’t think of ourselves as old at all. Today’s 40-60s grew up in the 1960s, ’70s or early ’80s – the flowering of youth culture – and we’re determined not to end up in slippers or on stairlifts.

Essentially the rules for social networking aren’t that complicated. I think it’s worth bearing in mind that if you wouldn’t want to see something you’ve said on the front page of The Times or on a billboard in the centre town, then it’s best to leave it offline. After all, the potential for an embarrassing picture or status update to go viral is huge.

It’s perhaps best summarised by something I overheard one mother say to her teenage daughter on the train: “It’s best to keep your clothes on and your mouth shut, rather than risk a humiliation that is sure to live online for ever.”

Here, then, are my top 10 Facebook faux pas to avoid…

Don’t stalk the child

It’s fine to show an interest in what your son or daughter is up to online. In fact, with younger children it’s really important for their safety. But if you can repeat, verbatim, a wall exchange they’ve had with their best friend, who you know to be a safe contact, then you’re taking things too far. It is, of course, fine to make the odd comment on your child’s Facebook page but commenting on their every post is a seriously bad move. Its also really bad to use pet names – imagine the horror of the poor child who began adding his brand new classmates as friends, only to have his mother post a message on his wall telling him that it wasn’t the best way to make friends, that they would think him odd and then signing off by calling him sweetboy. It must have taken him weeks to live it down.

Never tell children off on their wall

I’ve lost count of the number of mothers who rant at their children online for all sorts of misdemeanours – from not doing homework to coming in late. Keep it private – their friends don’t need to know that they’ve left the bathroom in a state or have run up a huge phone bill.

I was recently asked to join a Facebook group called ‘If 1,000 people join, Holly’s mum might unground her this weekend’. Sadly Holly’s mum didn’t see the funny side and very publicly banned her from Facebook as well.

Don’t flirt with your children’s friends

Yes, we’ve all heard it’s cool to be a cougar, but flirting with your kids’ friends is just so wrong.

Don’t post embarrassing pics of your kids or indeed of yourself

You may think your daughter looked adorable in the bath with the boy next door when she was six, but you can be damn sure she won’t be pleased if you decide to share this image with your Facebook friends. On that note, the boy concerned will probably be pretty cross too. Your child may have suffered the embarrassment of seeing you a little tipsy and believe me the last thing they want is for their friends to see it too. So, move away from the screen and on no account post that video of your drunken karaoke session.

Don’t blurt your secrets

We’ve all seen all manner of inappropriate status updates, but let me tell you this. Your child honestly believes you have only been intimate with their father the number of times that correspond with the children you have. Please don’t disabuse them of this fact through any chat, updates or wall posts.

Don’t send private mail to your kids friends

You may be worried about your child and want to canvas opinion from their friends, but this isn’t the way to go about it. One poor boy was ritually humiliated when his mother sent a note to his ex-girlfriend telling her how upset he was that they had broken up. Sadly, you can imagine the rest – she forwarded it to some friends, who forwarded it again and suddenly the whole school knew he’d been crying in his bedroom for weeks.

Don’t try to be ‘down with the kidz’

If your children are old enough to be on Facebook, then sadly you’re way past the window that allows them to think of you as cool. Text speak and acronyms are not for you. You’ll simply come across like the rather sad dad on Modern Family, who truly believes WTF stands for ‘Why the Face?’

Don’t send your child cute hatching bunnies or say I love you

You know you love your child and they know it too, but they’d rather you didn’t tell their 482 friends. Frankly, the most loving thing you can do online is be seen and not heard. That way your child can be really proud of you. And, under no circumstances, complain about lack of contact, not feeling loved or general neglect. It won’t elicit sympathy – for you at least – but will instead make you look rather sad.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 30th, 2012 at 4:30 pm and is filed under Grandparents in society, How Grandparents can help children. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.